WWF SuperMarket Sweep
by hardygrrl
Summary: When the PAX Show goes HARDCORE... Please R/R!! Let me know what you think of my humor fics! This is my second one! *HardyGrrl*


WWF Supermarket Sweep  
By  
HardyGrrl  
  
Host:  
The Rock  
  
Contestants:  
Team 1 (Matt Hardy and Jeff Hardy)  
Team 2 (Crash Holly and Steve Blackman)  
Team 3 (Triple H and Essa Rios)  
  
(Backstage: Triple H and Essa Rios are walking together. Triple H glares at Essa Rios.)  
  
Triple H  
I don't know WHY I have to be with you as my partner...  
  
Essa Rios  
Que?  
  
Triple H  
I'll get the Rock back. He'll... NEVER... SEE... IT... COMING...  
  
Essa Rios  
Que?  
  
Triple H  
What?  
  
Essa Rios  
Que?  
  
Triple H  
What's your deal?  
  
Essa Rios  
Que?  
  
(Triple H pummels Essa Rios and they are both disqualified. Kane and the Undertaker take their place.)  
  
[The show opens. All three teams are looking clueless as the Rock enters with a microphone in his hand.]  
  
The Rock (reads the card)  
Where can you find all the fun?  
  
The "Crowd" (chants)  
On Supermarket-  
  
The Rock  
It doesn't matter where you can find all the fun!! (looks at the teams) Oh boy, what did The Rock do to be so lucky to have all you jabronies on this show?  
  
Crash Holly (smiles and smacks the buzzer)  
I asked Vince McMahon to do a mock show of Supermarket Sweep because I LOVE this show!  
  
The Rock  
Isn't The Rock so lucky? Now, hears the first question... "When it's gotta be clean, it's gotta be...?"  
  
Christian (screams from the crowd)  
...four thousand feet away from Lita?  
  
Edge (screams from the crowd)  
In Canada?  
  
The Rock (ignores them)  
Anyone?  
  
Undertaker (buzzes)  
Tide?  
  
The Rock  
Uh...yeah...  
  
(FX: The Crowd claps)  
  
Crash Holly (buzzes)  
Rock, you're supposed to give him 10 seconds.  
  
The Rock (confused)  
Ten seconds? What the hell do you think The Rock is??  
  
Matt Hardy  
He's right. You give him ten seconds to his time and it's supposed to help him in the thing later...  
  
Edge (screams from the crowd)  
Well, if you give Lita ten seconds and ten cents, you're able to accomplish plenty!!  
  
(Matt Hardy glares up at the crowd as Edge and Christian laugh and high five each other.)  
  
Edge and Christian (chant)  
Hardy... Hardy... Hardy... YOU SUCK!  
  
The Rock (smiles)  
Let's introduce these contestants... Kane and Undertaker, you are brothers... and you have both been WWF World Champions...  
  
Christian (shouts)  
...And you're both buck-toothed barfoids!  
  
Undertaker (ignores them)  
Yes, I am a three-time World Wrestling Federation World Champion...  
  
Edge (shouts)  
And a 739458347893475893247584375893745873259738459723845972843758932745973458738975893274587276378461782436783264576327845619748327432647562347329837498273487276478678264378627836475627836456237846526387465872364562783465723678657843687562783645726347856278346572643785 and a half time reekazoid!!  
  
Christian (high fives Edge)  
Woah!! That was so cool!  
  
(FX: The crowd claps)  
  
The Rock  
Now, Crash Holly and Steve Blackman...  
  
Crash Holly  
You bet, by golly! I can't wait to get-  
  
The Rock (ignores Crash)  
Now, Steve, what do you plan on doing with the money?  
  
Edge (shouts)  
Use all ten dollars on buying plastic nun chucks from Toys R Us!  
  
Steve Blackman  
I was planning on using it for charities.  
  
(The crowd claps)  
  
Christian (shouts)  
Oh, how sweet. I think I'm gonna gag!  
  
Edge (laughs)  
Totally!  
  
The Rock  
Okay, Matt and Jeff Hardy, you're from Cameron, North Carolina, right?  
  
Edge (shouts)  
Is that a Lita I see out there?  
  
Christian (shouts)  
Naw, man, that's a stick of butter...  
  
Edge (laughs)  
What's the difference? Both are bad for you, greasy, and easily spread able!  
  
Matt Hardy (angry)  
Yeah... we're from Cameron, North Carolina.  
  
(FX: The crowd claps)  
  
Christian (laughs)  
Hey Edge, what did Lita's right leg say to her left?  
  
Edge (laughs)  
Open up and say 'Ahh'?  
  
Christian (laughs)  
That's good, but no... NOTHING! They've never met!!  
  
Matt Hardy (slams his fist on the table)  
That's it!!  
  
(Matt Hardy runs into the audience and begins punching Christian and Edge. Security drags him back to the stage as he angrily struggles.)  
  
Edge (mocks Matt's Southern accent)  
That's right, Christian, don' you an' Edge go makin' fun o' my cousin Lita! That's ma' gurlfrien'!  
  
The Rock  
Settle down, there, Matt. The Rock says ignore them. Now, Matt, Steve, and Kane, you guys leave your partners... or something. Basically, get the hell outta here.  
  
(On the screen: "NSUCERSEN" appears.)  
  
The Rock  
Okay, guess the word: "protection-  
  
Edge (shouts)  
...from Lita"  
  
Christian (shouts)  
DOESN'T EXIST!  
  
The Rock (clears throat)  
All right... "protection... lotion... sun..."  
  
Jeff Hardy  
Sunscreen?  
  
The Rock  
Correct.  
  
(FX: The crowd claps)  
  
(The screen reads: "YFAFT")  
  
The Rock  
Next, "chewy... delicious..."  
  
Crash Holly  
Dog food?  
  
(All the people look at Crash confused.)  
  
Crash Holly  
What?  
  
The Rock  
Turn off his buzzer. Okay, "chewy... delicious... sweet..."  
  
Undertaker  
Kane's underwear?  
  
(There is a hush over the contestants. The Rock looks at Undertaker and continues.)  
  
Jeff Hardy  
Uh, taffy?  
  
The Rock  
Correct.  
  
(FX: The crowd claps)  
  
(The screen reads: "CHEAP")  
  
Edge and Christian (shout)  
LITA!!  
  
The Rock  
No, you have to unscramble it. "From the South..."  
  
Crash Holly  
Crack hookers...  
  
Undertaker (thinks)  
Cheap?  
  
The Rock  
UNSCRAMBLE!!  
  
Jeff Hardy (thinks)  
Umm... Eapch?  
  
The Rock  
Wha? No, it's 'peach'. All right... next word.  
  
(On the screen: "HERSHEY'S")  
  
The Rock (sighs)  
The Rock prays to God you are able to get THIS one. "Chocolate... HERSHEY'S..."  
  
Crash Holly (buzzes)  
Okay! I know THIS one!  
  
The Rock  
Yes?  
  
Crash Holly  
SHERSHEY?  
  
The Rock  
No.  
  
Crash Holly  
HERSHEY'S?  
  
The Rock (amazed)  
You got it right!! Well! The Rock says this is enough of crap for now! Let's get your partners back.  
  
(FX: The crowd claps)  
  
(Matt Hardy, Kane, and Steve Blackman walk back.)  
  
The Rock  
All right, the next game: The Rock says a word; you say what you think of, kind of like word association, all right? (looks at card) Now, first word is... "horrifying..."  
  
Edge (shouts)  
Undertaker in the shower!  
  
Undertaker  
What??  
  
The Rock  
Let's concentrate on the game, boys. "Horrifying... film..."  
  
Christian (shouts)  
Lita's porno videos!  
  
Matt Hardy (ignores them)  
Horror movies.  
  
(FX: The crowd claps)  
  
The Rock  
Correct. Next, "sweet... tangy..."  
  
Steve Blackman  
Fruit...  
  
(FX: The crowd claps)  
  
Christian  
WHAT YOU ARE!  
  
(Steve Blackman pulls his nun chucks from under the podium and charges into the audience. The security guards stop him.)  
  
The Rock  
The Rock thought he took those away from you, jabroni!  
  
Steve Blackman  
I have ways of hiding them...  
  
The Rock  
Okay, next word. "The Rock..."  
  
Edge  
Fudge-packer!  
  
Christian  
Rear Buccaneer!  
  
Edge  
A total reek-a-zoid!  
  
Christian  
A booty-biter!  
  
The Rock  
Hey... Edge and Christian?  
  
Edge  
Uh... yeah?  
  
The Rock  
Do you like pancakes?  
  
Christian  
Um... no.  
  
The Rock  
Well, pancake your ass outta here--  
  
Christian  
Dude, that like totally makes no sense... what a dorkchop!  
  
The Rock  
Okay... "The Rock's favorite dish..."  
  
Edge  
Which the Rock mistakenly thinks he can rap about!  
  
Kane  
Pie?  
  
The Rock (holds up a WWF magazine with Lita on the cover)  
Correct. Now, this is the price game or whatever. This is a WWF magazine for $5.99. Is the price too high? Too low? Or just right?  
  
Edge  
$5.99 for Lita? WAY to high!  
  
Christian  
I agree!  
  
Matt Hardy  
I say it's just right.  
  
Steve Blackman  
I say it's too low.  
  
Kane  
I say it's just right.  
  
The Rock  
Okay, Kane and Matt Hardy got it right. All right. Let's look at your scores: Matt and Jeff Hardy have 3 minutes and twenty seconds.  
  
(FX: The crowd claps)  
  
Christian  
BOO!!! YOU SUCK!!  
  
Edge  
My grandmaw shops better than you guys!!  
  
The Rock  
Crash Holly and Steve Blackman have one minute.  
  
(FX: The crowd claps)  
  
The Rock  
And Kane and Undertaker have two minutes and ten seconds.  
  
(FX: The crowd claps)  
  
Edge  
Hey, Christian. You ever wonder how they get the crowd to clap if there is NO crowd?  
  
Christian  
Um... hire a bunch of four-toothed suck-ass bitches?  
  
The Rock  
Okay, who's going to run the sweep?  
  
Matt Hardy  
You can... I'm not.  
  
Jeff Hardy  
All right, I am.  
  
The Rock  
Jeff Hardy.  
  
Crash Holly  
I am! I am! I am!  
  
The Rock  
Steve Blackman.  
  
Steve Blackman (confused)  
What?  
  
(Kane and Undertaker stare at each other and point.)  
  
The Rock  
Kane.  
  
(Undertaker laughs as Kane groans.)  
  
The Rock  
The Rock says we're going to a commercial.  
  
(The camera fades to a commercial as the few teams talk. The Rock gets changed. Edge and Christian are lowly speaking to each other.)  
  
Edge  
Hey... dude. I've got an idea, okay?  
  
Christian  
What??  
  
(Edge whispers in Christian's ear as the camera fades back into the show. The Rock isn't there. He's still getting changed. The teams look at each other in the funky colored sweatshirts with the baskets. The Rock comes back and sighs, giving the eyebrow.)  
  
Kane  
Rock, you were ten minutes late...  
  
The Rock  
Watch your mouth, jabroni!  
  
Kane  
I was just saying...  
  
(Undertaker itches his sweatshirt and raises his hand.)  
  
The Rock  
What is it, jabroni?  
  
Undertaker  
This shirt itches.  
  
The Rock  
And? The Rock doesn't give a damn about your stupid sweatshirts.  
  
Undertaker (mumbles under breath)  
Stupid Rock...  
  
(The Hardy Boyz take off their sweatshirts and are shirtless. Matt ties his sweatshirt around his waist and Jeff ties his shirt in his hair.)  
  
The Rock  
Are you ready? On your marks... get set... GO!  
  
(Jeff Hardy begins to run, but the Rock sends him back, laughing.)  
  
The Rock  
The Rock was only joking. Go!  
  
(Jeff Hardy runs down the aisle. He soars down the "Toiletries" isle and piles diapers in his basket. Christian appears and steals the basket. Jeff Hardy chases after Christian.)  
  
Jeff Hardy  
You're not on this show!!  
  
Christian  
Shut up, dorkchop! Yes I am!  
  
(Jeff Hardy chases Christian down the "Candy" aisle and runs into Viscera, who is standing in the middle of the aisle eating jelly beans. Jeff and Christian stop, confused.)  
  
Jeff Hardy and Christian  
VISCERA??  
  
Viscera (looks at them dumfounded)  
Uh... Viscera, who?  
  
Jeff Hardy  
Viscera, hand me those jelly beans...  
  
(Viscera shoves the jelly beans in his mouth and runs. Jeff runs down to Matt and gets another basket. Christian tosses the diapers into the audience.)  
  
The Rock  
Okay, Kane... go!  
  
(Kane walks slowly, griping about having to run the sweep. Undertaker pushes him out of the way and runs down the aisle. Undertaker runs to the "Deli" aisle. He grabs a large ham, but it's stuck. Undertaker pulls and pulls, but it's still stuck. He sees a person under the ham and looks... it's Edge! Undertaker punches Edge in the stomach and grabs the dropped ham.)  
  
The Rock  
Okay... Steve Blackman, go!  
  
(Steve Blackman runs down the aisle and pulls out his nun chucks. The security guards chase after him. Steve Blackman hides and begins throwing cans of ravioli at them. He turns around and sees Viscera digging in the ravioli cans. He has sauce all over his face and Steve looks confused, but runs off with the basket. Undertaker tosses plenty of Depends in the basket. Steve Blackman grabs the same Depends that Undertaker has. The two are fighting over it. Undertaker takes off his sweatshirt and chokes Steve Blackman with it. Jeff Hardy dives off the top of the aisle and does a Swanton Bomb! He steals the Depends and both full baskets, running back to the finish line!! The bell rings and the "Manager's Special" is up.)  
  
The Rock  
Uh... manager's special is... uh... a can of peas with a black label on it.  
  
(Matt Hardy has 6 baskets in front of him filled with groceries as Jeff slides to the "Manager's Special" bin. Undertaker is trying to get coffee. Steve Blackman runs to the "Manager's Special" bin also. Jeff Hardy and Steve Blackman dig until the bin is empty.)  
  
Edge (holds up can)  
Hey Blackman, Hardy... looking for something??  
  
Jeff Hardy  
Give that here!  
  
Christian  
No way! We found it first!  
  
Steve Blackman  
You aren't even playing!  
  
Christian  
Are to!  
  
Jeff Hardy  
Whatever, I don't care.  
  
Edge  
HA HA! We won!  
  
Steve Blackman  
Well, I CARE!  
  
(Steve Blackman runs into the audience and pummels Edge and Christian with their groceries as they run off.)  
  
The Rock  
Okay, it's done. Undertaker! Get your biker ass back here!  
  
(The Undertaker is coming back with a handful of coffee and a banana.)  
  
The Rock  
Okay, let's get your totals. Crash Holly and Steve Blackman... you have... nothing.  
  
Crash Holly  
I got a jellybean from Viscera!  
  
The Rock (ignores him)  
Kane and Undertaker... you have coffee and a banana. That equals to $1.  
  
Kane (growls)  
I told you I should've run the sweep...  
  
The Rock  
And Matt and Jeff Hardy... you have a total of $338,473,734 in groceries.  
  
Matt Hardy  
This stuff definitely feeds the need!  
  
Jeff Hardy  
You think THAT'S extreme! THIS is extreme! (looks to take off his shirt, but it's already off. He is confused, but soon does the guns)  
  
The Rock  
Okay, the Rock says to the rest of you losers: Get the hell out of here. Matt and Jeff: come over here.  
  
(Matt and Jeff Hardy walk over to The Rock.)  
  
The Rock (reads a card)  
Okay, here's the clue. You'll be alone in the ring with a tear in your eye, but all is well when the Rock offers you a piece of........."  
  
Jeff Hardy  
POON-TANG PIE!  
  
(Jeff Hardy and Matt Hardy run down the aisle. They grab a porno magazine called "Poon-tang Weekly". They read the back.)  
  
Matt Hardy  
"You guys are big losers, you know we are the best... that's because we reek of........."  
  
Jeff Hardy  
AWESOMENESS!  
  
Matt Hardy  
Where are we gonna find that?  
  
(Jeff Hardy grabs a WWF magazine with Edge and Christian on the cover. They read the side.)  
  
Jeff Hardy  
"Give up now, you illiterate Carolina hicks, why don't you go suck on some........."  
  
Matt Hardy  
Heinous Pixi Sticks?  
  
Jeff Hardy  
YEAH!  
  
(Matt Hardy and Jeff run to the "Candy" section and grab the Pixi Sticks. They read the side.)  
  
Matt Hardy  
"So what, you won... who cares."  
  
Jeff Hardy  
We won?  
  
Matt Hardy  
I guess so.  
  
(They walk with all the clues back to The Rock.)  
  
The Rock (gives them the eyebrow)  
You done?  
  
Matt Hardy  
Uh, yeah.  
  
The Rock  
Okay. Um... here's $20.  
  
Jeff Hardy  
That's all we get??  
  
The Rock  
Yeah. Later.  
  
(The Rock leaves.)  
  
Matt Hardy  
This show sucks...  
  
Jeff Hardy  
Yeah.  
  
(The Hardy Boyz leave. Edge and Christian come back, each have a black eye.)  
  
Edge  
Yeah, well... this show didn't suck today.  
  
Christian  
That's because we were on it, dude!  
  
Edge  
Yeah! We so totally reek of awesomeness!  
  
Christian  
TOTALLY!  
  
(Edge writes "E&C in tha SuperMarket Sweep Hizzouse!" Christian writes "Undertaker swallows" as the camera fades to black.)  



End file.
